I have almost certainly seen worse vampire movies than Dracula Mascafierro – but this definitely earns a place in the close-to-unwatchable-shit category. It’s a Mexican sex comedy, with little sex, no humour and a horror premise that has an air of desperation. Imagine a Readers’ Wives telenovela with a vampire tipped in.
Pockmarked Roberto ‘Flaco’ Guzmán, from the earlier Mexican vampire comedy Curado de Espantos (1992), looks like a hung-over Danny Trejo and plays Ricardo Rivas, manager of a seaside hotel – his minions Orgasmon (Jorge Aldama) and Gary (Gary Rivas) wonder why Rivas is so successful with women, but it’s because he’s a vampire. Conversely, they might wonder why they’re so unsuccessful with women – it’s because they’re middle-aged creeps who are forever peeping at women through binoculars and windows while exclaiming ‘mamacita!’.
The cast are generally homely, I’ve no idea what masturbating Douglas MacArthur (Mario Zebadua Colocho) has to do with anything, the plot trudges between lengthy grope scenes (with some pleasant views of the resort) and non-stop musak pretty much kills any mood it might be going for. There’s the usual panic about the possibility that Orgasmon and Gary might be attracted more to each other than women – at the end, they wake up in bed together and do an excruciating bit which extends to putting on cloaks and fake fangs. ‘Mascafierro’ translates as ‘iron mast’. Written by Esteban Rivas and director Victor Manuel Castro.