My notes on Abducted by the Daleks (2005)
Anything can give rise (ahem) to a porn movie parody – as witness: The Sperminator, Juranal Park and Sex Trek – The Next Penetration. So there’s no reason Doctor Who couldn’t be made over as, say, Doctor Ooh* – and I suspect Russell T Davies would be happy to watch a pornolised version of his take on the show, especially if shot for the bi market and featured TARDIS-set three-ways featuring his favourite characters. This, sadly, isn’t that film … indeed, it’s the sort of amateur hour enterprise an actual porn movie could look down on, featuring nudity but no actual sex, a surprisingly nasty edge that makes me suspect it’s a stablemate to the horrid Fantom Kiler (which features some of the same women) and three Dalek props.
Four girls – three with hard-to-make-out Eastern European accents (Katarzyna Zelnik, Eliza Borecka, Sonja Karina) and an Irish one who just can’t act (Linda Black) – get lost while driving in the woods where a ‘serial skinner’ is supposedly at work en route to a party. They knock down a grey-look alien (who disappears, never to be mentioned again) and wander around a tiny set in very short dresses which come off, only to be spied from a spaceship by three Daleks, who abduct them by teleport and chain them up naked for experimentation. The Irish girl, an alien slave-trading dominatrix in league with the ‘leks, turns into another actress (Maria Vaslova) through a teleport scramble when the originally-shot film concludes, to star in a second act tacked on to pad it to 55 agonising minutes, in which a masked hunter (Terry Barlet) ties her to a tree as a trap to lure the serial skinner (Lenny Delmore) who spends a long time tracing her silicone scars with his big knife before he’s zapped into space by the Daleks, leaving the naked girl to explain things to the police (but not the audience).
Two Daleks might be left over from the 1960s movies or ‘70s Doctor Who, but the red one is weirdly-proportioned – director ‘Don Skaro’ shoots them at angles Doctor Who directors would avoid, low enough to show the operators’ feet or backlit so heads can be seen behind their grilles. The voice cast (‘Roy Briggs’ – a name it would take a real Who fan to coin) approximate the Dalek croak, but the promise of Dalek-on-girl action is broken (though we do get one sucker-to-the-face bit lifted from the new series’ ‘Dalek’). Aside from the tamest possible lesbian cuddle and a single tentative fingering, there is no sex in this sex film, and whoever thought to shackle the Dalek and serial skinner premises (credited writer ‘Patrick Baker’?) then didn’t bother to add wit, titillation or speakable dialogue. The music runs to stolen tracks from Pink Floyd, Godzilla, The Outer Limits and The Mole People.
*Eventually, someone made Doctor Whore.
Maybe you should try doctor screw on the adult channel. Also there was a banned porno film with the daleks there are clips on the net. Happy hunting
I think you’ll find this is that banned porno film with the daleks. Not sure if banned is quite the word – it’s more likely to offend the copyright laws than the censors.
“Anyone can make a mistake, as the dalek said climbing down off the dustbin”… Who said that?
I guess no one else remembers Captain Quirk of the Starship Intercourse, thrusting its way through space…
(Actually, that’s all I remember. But then, it was the 60s…)
Bloody HA! Great stuff, wish I’d thought of it…
Trevor Barley = Horror Consultant?
Or did I just imagine that?
Or as Stefan once memorably described him “some joker calling himself The Horror Consultant”…
There are few films of the many loathesome efforts I’ve subjected myself to over the years – incluidng Top Gun, My Little Pony and Moulin Rouge – that I’ve despised quite so utterly as Fantom Kiler.
Re that comment about copyright laws…I’ve never seen more than review clips of this, I’m glad to say, but I remember reading that it was hastily re-titled ‘Abducted By The Daloids’ soon after release, presumably to avoid the fearsome lawyers of the Nation Estate.
(Also, that ‘banned’ Dalek porno film may have been Doctor Loo And The Filthy Phaleks from 2005, which I again learned of from an online review. It features a female Doctor who travels Space/Time in a Portaloo, rather more sexual content, and it seems (from an open ending) that the makers – Doll Theatre – may have been planning on a sequel/series.)
how about ‘grabbed by the nastys!’ as a tagline
… surely they explore the possiblilities of Dalek plunger attachments, and use the ‘ejaculate! ejaculate!’ ‘gag’. Also, have two Daleks on the spaceship who bark orders but turn to Frankie Howerd-alike voices when the screen is off ‘cant get the staff, can you, dear?’ and so forth