Scared Shitless
This brief, brisk Canadian monster movie has a little of Shivers in its DNA – a tentacle-and—claws monster lurking in the plumbing of an Ontario apartment building bursts out of toilet bowls and attacks people in sexual but ludicrous manner – but owes more to the 80s vibe of Critters or Ghoulies.
Directed by Vivieno Caldinelli and written by Brandon Cohen, it works for a very basic reason too many gross-out filmmakers forget – the characters are likeable, relatable and pleasant company (even when they get killed) but not in the way you get when some exec whines at a screenwriter that characters ought to be likeable and relatable. Veteran plumber Don (Steven Ogg) takes his germophobic son Sonny (Daniel Doheny) into the business not out of cruelty but kindness – he knows Sonny needs to get over his phobia and on with his life, which probably means going back to college and not being a plumber … they are called in by apartment-dweller Mrs Applebaum (Marcia Bennett), and Don admits the old lady calls every few months with a tiny problem (her toilet is blocked by lost false teeth) just so she can talk to someone. Again, the fact that this tough blue collar guy is emotionally sensitive is the sort of character note which gives just enough depth to the picture to make it more than just a series of gruesome stunts in which, eg, a fat bloke sitting on the loo has his genitals ripped off by the monster.
Mad-ish scientist Dr Robert (Mark McKinney) has fallen out with madder scientist Cummings (indispensable character star Julian Richings) in the lab accident prologue and brought home ‘Project X’ – a killer organism developed as a bioweapon with the capability of wiping out all life on the planet. Of course, the thing gets loose … lays eggs … and vividly-sketched tenants – an older couple doing s-m roleplay, a haughty camgirl – fall prey. Patricia (Chelsea Clark), who admits her family own the building and can’t afford to call the cops because that would derail a sale of the white elephant, joins the trio of low-tech monster fighters (pink bismuth turns out to be kryptonite) and adds another sweet element to a story which is mostly about Sonny overcoming his cleanliness obsession through repeated exposure to all varieties of toxic goo (and, of course, shit). Better than Bad Milo!, the last piece of shit monster FF selection. Worthy of double billing with Septic Man.
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