Anything can give rise (ahem) to a porn movie parody – as witness: The Sperminator, Juranal Park and Sex Trek – The Next Penetration. So there’s no reason Doctor Who couldn’t be made over as, say, Doctor Ooh* – and I suspect Russell T Davies would be happy to watch a pornolised version of his take on the show, especially if shot for the bi market and featured TARDIS-set three-ways featuring his favourite characters. This, sadly, isn’t that film … indeed, it’s the sort of amateur hour enterprise an actual porn movie could look down on, featuring nudity but no actual sex, a surprisingly nasty edge that makes me suspect it’s a stablemate to the horrid Fantom Kiler (which features some of the same women) and three Dalek props.
Four girls – three with hard-to-make-out Eastern European accents (Katarzyna Zelnik, Eliza Borecka, Sonja Karina) and an Irish one who just can’t act (Linda Black) – get lost while driving in the woods where a ‘serial skinner’ is supposedly at work en route to a party. They knock down a grey-look alien (who disappears, never to be mentioned again) and wander around a tiny set in very short dresses which come off, only to be spied from a spaceship by three Daleks, who abduct them by teleport and chain them up naked for experimentation. The Irish girl, an alien slave-trading dominatrix in league with the ‘leks, turns into another actress (Maria Vaslova) through a teleport scramble when the originally-shot film concludes, to star in a second act tacked on to pad it to 55 agonising minutes, in which a masked hunter (Terry Barlet) ties her to a tree as a trap to lure the serial skinner (Lenny Delmore) who spends a long time tracing her silicone scars with his big knife before he’s zapped into space by the Daleks, leaving the naked girl to explain things to the police (but not the audience).
Two Daleks might be left over from the 1960s movies or ‘70s Doctor Who, but the red one is weirdly-proportioned – director ‘Don Skaro’ shoots them at angles Doctor Who directors would avoid, low enough to show the operators’ feet or backlit so heads can be seen behind their grilles. The voice cast (‘Roy Briggs’ – a name it would take a real Who fan to coin) approximate the Dalek croak, but the promise of Dalek-on-girl action is broken (though we do get one sucker-to-the-face bit lifted from the new series’ ‘Dalek’). Aside from the tamest possible lesbian cuddle and a single tentative fingering, there is no sex in this sex film, and whoever thought to shackle the Dalek and serial skinner premises (credited writer ‘Patrick Baker’?) then didn’t bother to add wit, titillation or speakable dialogue. The music runs to stolen tracks from Pink Floyd, Godzilla, The Outer Limits and The Mole People.
*Eventually, someone made Doctor Whore.